Welcome to Förnikatör.COM. Yeah, I know why you're here. Sorry, but this site is about beer. If you came here looking for something else, there are many sites to choose from and I'm not going to tell you what they are. You can find them yourself. Though please take a moment and enjoy the above graphic.
Förnikatör is the ultimate experience in beer. It is produced by a private brewer in Australia for friends and family. It is not available commercially. If you aren't a friend or family, please see further below for instructions on making a look-alike on your own.
Anyway, let me tell you about this stuff. If you are at all a beer connoisseur, you may know a little bit about bock and double-bock beers. These originated in Germany in the 1500s or 1600s, and there are several commercial brands available world-wide. A bock gets its designation from the specific gravity measured during the brewing process. The specific gravity in turn is higher as more fermentable sugars are added. A bock gets all of its sugar from malt, and not sucrose or other artifical sweeteners. A bock is a beer which starts at a specific gravity of 1.065 (degrees Balling, the measure used). At 1.075 it is designated a double bock. These are obscene amounts of malt, and were originally produced by the monks of the Catholic church because this amount of daily grain (even in liquid form) could physically sustain a person during the fasting period of Lent.
Förnikatör starts out at a gravity of about 1.105, which following the above logic would make it a penta bock or five times a bock. I've produced batches hitting 1.115, which makes it a hexa bock.
Another tradition with double bock beers is that they almost always end their name with 'ator' in deference to the first Catholic double bock beer 'Salvator' (The Saviour). There are many examples of this - such as Optimator, Kulminator, Maximator, Ruinator, and Aviator. The word 'bock' in German also means 'goat' and many of these brews also display an upright or charging goat on the label to give you an idea of what you're in for - which is a kick in the head if you're not careful.Making beer with this much malt content is an art form. It totally violates all the traditional rules of brewing. The only thing which compares is the so-called barley wine, which uses wine yeast instead of lager yeast. With this much sugar involved, normal lager yeast dies and cannot ferment to completion. A discussion of why is beyond the scope of this article, but basically it generates so much alcohol that the yeast cannot survive in it.
Förnikatör is produced by continually refreshing the yeast during during the brewing process. When the yeast dies, you throw in some more and let it work until it also dies. Eventually, given enough yeast and enough patience, it ferments to completion.
This requirement coupled with the huge amount of malt necessary to provide the specific gravity makes it impossible to produce this on a commercial scale. It would cost way too much money, and the results somewhat unpredictable. Costs me around five bucks (Australian) per bottle to make, using bulk ingredients. That's more than most beers sell retail.
The end result is a beer that is syrupy sweet, almost like drinking a Muscatel wine when compared with a Chardonnay. It is best served as an after dinner apertif, and not drank by the bottle. I generally serve it in shot glasses. It's better by far than a shot of Grand Marnier, and trust me - a few shots are equally lethal.
The alcohol content is incredibly high, approaching that of a port or sherry wine. Now you're starting to get the picture as to why it is named thusly. It really screws up your brain. Two bottles is/are about the most a normal human can drink. I've had three on rare occassions. Any more than that leads to comatose situations.
The second reason for the name is that if you drink it with the opposite sex, things generally happen. In fact I would go so far as to say that they always happen. If you're a guy and drink this with a girl, any girl (even a complete stranger) - you're going to both get naked and have wild sex together. 100% guaranteed. It has never failed.
Traditionally, guys are the beer lovers and women like wine or other stuff (anything but beer). I've not yet met a woman who didn't fall in love with this stuff, and wanted more until she couldn't stand up straight. For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, it seems to hit the pleasure centers of the brain in both genders. It's the closest thing I'ver found to a universal aphrodisiac. A lady drinks some and she wants more. She's thinking about pleasure, and getting intoxicated rapidly. She will need to go to bed shortly but the feelings of pleasure haven't yet subsided. Sex on the first date? Usually a myth. Where Förnikatör is involved, it's a certainty.
For you sorry suckers who can't get the real thing, if you know anything about home brewing I've got a recipe that comes close. It's not perfect since the real recipe is all-grain and a closely guarded secret, but here goes....
4 cans of Edme SFX malt syrup (available at finer brewery shops in the U.S. and U.K) into five gallons of water, boil for two hours or more. Don't worry about hops. You'll never taste 'em. If you must, throw in a couple ounces of Eroica hops and boil an additional fifteen mintues or so. Get a whole bunch of lager yeast. The thing about this is that it is high-gravity and it will kill the yeast regularly. Once a month, pitch some fresh yeast with a bit of (malt) syrup and throw it in - best if done in two 3-gallon carboys. Forget everything you know about brewing. This stuff won't be done in a month or two. Six months fermentation minimum. After six months, sometimes more - it's ready. But pitch even more yeast to add at bottling time. If the fermentation stops along the line, the yeast is dead and you'll have to add some more. Initial gravity should be 105-110. Maybe more if you boil longer. Final gravity doesn't matter. This is all an issue of patience. After six months your patience will have worn and it will be good enough.
Please understand that the real product is made under much more exacting circumstances, high quality ingredients and no set time on when it's ready. Could be a year. I'm trying to give you guys a break and make it easy enough that most clever dudes can do it.
